The Sum of All Fears= A State of Paranoia

I've a confession. I'm positively paranoid. You'll never guess it by looking at me but I've deep-seated irrational fears. Tonight, I want to take them out of the closet.

On the Plane

For someone who enjoys light travelling, I have an unlikely phobia of taking flights. While that does not happen very often because i haven't flew to that many places, I'm always freaked out during takes offs and landings. Last November, as Kamahl and I took a short trip to Bangkok, I almost burst into tears during the take off...I thought that i was definitely going to die. That, that was THE night.

In the Loo

While i did survive that mentally fatal trip, I've never quite found a way to cope with my other fears. Eversince the SARs outbreak here in 2003, I've been obssessed with my personal hygiene..not that I was unhygenic before just that now, i'm SUPER paranoid, like Howard Hughs in The Aviator. I dislike visiting public toilets and imagine all kinds of germs and viruses lurking near and below the toilet bowl. I start to think that if i didn't die on the plane, I would die of some other viruses i didnt even know i caught from which toilet. After every handwash, i dread to touch the doorhandle and always wished that someone else was standing on the other end to push it for me. I know it's disgusting conduct, but i told you i had irrational fears. Sometimes i do the 'two second dash' where i open the door first, rush to the tap and in a swift, dash out before the toilet door closes.

The Six Pillars

Two weeks back, I met up with a friend who is an insurance agent. Big mistake. Now, i don't typically meet up with insurance agents. Infact, i habitually avoid people who try to sell me anything (because i NEVER do buy). But this was different. Jana, the agent, was an old friend. We met up and she coerced me into filling up some ten page form before rambling on about the 'six pillars'. The six pillars refers to accidental, critical illness and life coverage. I really don't remember them all. All i could recall was how freaked out i was thinking of hospital bills and how I was one critical illness away from bankruptcy. Yes, it was a valid fear, but really, at 22, i don't want to be burden with the anxiety of the six pillars. One pole is good enough.

The Newspaper

I pride myself as a very 'informed' person because i read the newspaper everyday..i'm talking StraitsTimes..not that 'Singapore's No 1 tabloid.' It's contradictory but the dailies do induce fear in me too. Every plane crash, natural disaster, bird or chicken outbreak, terrorist movement is subconsciously registered in my head, causing unnecessary anxiety. Infact, I think i feel more fearful, down and sad after every read. Btw, have you realised that many medical breakthroughs today becomes the the next medical 'breakdowns' tomorrow? Maybe, i should stop reading the papers :) My lecturer used to say that for newspapers, "Good news is no news and bad news is good news.' He was a wise man.

Obviously i hope to put an end to all these irrational fears soon..because i can never imagine a life with no flights, jana, public toilets or newspaper. i just need to learn to eliminate them, one by one, pillar by pillar. Just that right now, i feel like a 52 year old, trapped in a 22-year-old that looks like a 19-year-old.

Now, what are your fears?