born on the 31st of Oct

HAPPY HALLOWEEN....AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! haha...2 dozen years old and still hopelessly SHAMELESS! Nat, you're shameless! My mother said my birth was a trick. I was born to scare. How could that be? Try telling her she's wrong. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! It's a treat positively. It's my mother's gift to the world and beyond.


Happy Halloween people- have a blasting good time!!!

fuzzy logic 4- What the fuck did he just say?

At the time when i was in primary school and perfect score for spelling was a trendy thing to do- i was quite into words. I decided one day that I will learn a new word that 1. nobody knew the meaning to, 2. nobody knew how to spell and 3. was at least 3 syllable long. so that was a morning and as i was brushing my teeth, i saw that word in front of me- on the toothpaste tube- under 'ingredients' was the spectacular word- MONOCHLOROPHOSOPHATE- and hence was the birth of the new secret word that only I knew how to spell and understood.

I rehearsed that word in my mind for weeks and fantasized about the day that my teacher would ask the class who knew how to spell MONOCHLOROPHOSOPHATE or maybe ask who knew what it was. of course, in my fantasy-and fantasy was made up of different stuff then- i would be the one to shoot my hand and spell out the sacred word while the rest of the class look upon me in awe. To spell a word like that- wouldn't that just blow their mind?? What else can Nat not spell?

Days, weeks and months passed- and never once did my teacher proached anywhere near the subject. Nobody cared what the hell MONOCHLOROPHOSOPHATE meant. It was a useless word. So there at the tender age of 8 or 9 i learnt my lesson- big words don't matter when no one understands what the fuck it is. My time is really much better off learning vulgarities- at least it is cool, funny and almost always bring my point across. They are far more effective than the useless MONOCHLOROPHOSOPHATE.

Fast forward a dozen more years- in my work and at school i realised to my pride and horror that there are people out there in their 30s who have not yet learnt what a whizkid (ME! ME!) picked up at 8. An ex-colleague once told me how his boss would make everyone sit around the table and search for highly impressive words in a dictionary to include in her business report. She would make her team members sit for hours just finding those words.

My lecturer does that all the time too. He's a word flasher- every so often, he would drop a big-time vocabulary, far bigger than his threshold- pause for effect and then tell the class 'if i'm using too technical a term, let me know so I can explain.' -if it's so technical and he suspects we might not understand it, why use it? I would be far more impressed with someone who can describe complex terms in a layman's language, thank you very much. Luckily for us, no one humored him.

I suspect this is why legal documents are always cluttered with bombastic words- to con people. The idea is to get us lost in a mirage of big, impressive lingo mambo jumbo so that we feel harassed and can't be bothered other than to sign above the dotted line. God I hate lawyers/real estate/financial agents. Their job titles should really be 'conman/cheater/liar/fraudster.

My mother is very clever even if she didnt clock in the hours in school. Her lessoon- never wear a hat too big for your head- had stood the test of time. I wish I could tell that to the business woman, the lecturer and anyone else obsessed with big words they don't understand.

By the way, I came across a new word today called 'fucktard'- i don't know exactly what it means but it sounds very funny and i think it's short for 'fucking retard'- God, that's offensive. It takes a wicked sense of humour to come up with a word like 'fucktard'. what do you think 'fucktard' means?

::random::

and.i.want.to.say
nothing fancy
just that
you've changed me
time.books.places.songs.people.you
live large
you're an experience
that will not fade
spark in your window
of soul
i can get lost
in the sweet song
silver blue
of your world
look at me
can you come close
closer
hello stranger
can you keep a secret
garden of thoughts

fuzzy logic 3- the power gas station

All of you deserve an Up Yours for your great responses to fuzzy logic 2- we know now what they said about pens and swords aren't true. Remember always that the hand is mightier than the pen and the sword combined.

I want to tell you next about a man I saw at a bookstore sometime ago. Sorry girls, he was neither handsome nor striking- actually I don't recall his face except that he was tall, lanky and reading some mag (maybe porn) in the bookstore. What stuck in my mind was that he had let out a giant mother of a fart in the very crowded bookstore. It was embarrasing listening to it. And because I was standing within spitting distance of him (although I did not spit at him), I wanted so badly to laugh aloud. I wished somebody did just that- people should just politely acknowledge it- it may not be glamorous but farting is a way of life. Everybody farts, even babies (especially babies!). At least it's not one of those silent potent farts you wonder came from who and where that can knock the wind out of you. No! Instead, the people simply looked up from their books, scattered in all directions and returned to their books. As if what they were reading was that engaging. They were definitely pretending to read.

God bless you if you were ever caught in the same predicament as this guy- because contrary to popular belief, the ground will NOT open up and swallow you. You'll be firmly rooted to the ground- so if ever, you leak out the silent killer fart in a social setting- always, and remember always, to feign ignorance. Be oblivious, pretend it didn't exist, deny it vehemently, shake your head vigourously, say it wasn't you, say you've the flu, you can't smell anything- leave the situation ambiguous and act blur. Because if you own up, God bless you again, your friends will never, ever let you forget it. 12 years down the road, they will bring up your phenomenal fart at a gathering, party or maybe even tell your kids- because you see, making you look silly makes THEM, look cool.

If however, it was clearly audible, face the music bravely, own up first and then justify it. Do it like my brother does with a sweeping 'it's very healthy you know, this farting thing.'- Pretend that you're confident enough to laugh at yourself even if deep down, you just want to die. Just pretend- most people can't tell the difference anyway.

I don't know what happened to that poor chap in the bookstore. I'm sure he's still alive and still farting- I wish he'll never have to go through that again. Actually, it's biologically possible to withhold farts- just as one could withhold pee and poo- but maybe because he was reading at the same time- which would require him to multi-task, a skill that is predominantly feminine. Men can't and don't multi-task. it's too complex. If they look like they are, they are as usual, just pretending. Poor guy- there was really no way out for him- he has to live with it and the fact that somewhere, someone, is actually evil enough to blog about him...

fuzzy logic 2- the art of sign language

Thanks for all your fucking candid responses to fuzzy logic 1. This goes to show that people who read compassionat are all really 1) sophisticated, 2) funny and 3) selective with their reading materials- indeed all of you will most certainly have a bright future ahead.

People may not be good spellers but they are very creative with vulgar words. just think of the word 'fuck' objectively, i know it's hard but just try- there's the person 'fucker', the adverb 'fucked up' the adjective 'unfuckinglybelievable' - and that's just one word we're talking about. i'm sure if you really crack your head, you'll find one other vulgarity you can do the same to. The next person i talk about bring profanities to a new league and you'll love her for that. I'm sure we've all had friends whom we never had to exchange a word and still feel we are really one and the same--by virtue of osmosis, you effectively read each others' thoughts. The fucking ties that bind.

Mitch (her fake ID so as not to ruin her life) and I have really this weird vibe going. She doesnt talk too much. when word fails her, as they always seem to, she use 'gestures' on me- just to name a few that I've been subjected to-- this includes the 'Up Yours', 'Rise of the Third Finger', 'CB' (don't ask me to explain that, i'll have to shut this down) and some other crude ones we should broadly classify as 'Unmentionables'. So we don't talk too much-- we just use the space between us-- to gestulate profanities at each other. It's like vulgar kungfu and we invent so many new moves Bruce Lee would pay to learn from us. It's very useful because it disarms your opponent without you needing to lose a strand of hair.

Mitch also gestulates at non-living things such as her PC. when she thinks I'm not watching, i'm actually eyeing her from the corner of my eye and i see her giving the PC the 'Rise of the Third Finger' and 'CB'--i always break out laughing when i see her doing that. i think that she has effectively reached the point of no return. Of course, publicly, she's a sweet angel--the one with the doe-eyes who would never kill a fly. Never in a million years will Mitch perform her stunts infront of anyone else. How could she....people will accuse her mother of doing a bad job bringing her up. Tis is socially unacceptable! or the all-time fave- you're a GIRL! But Mitch is really just being herself. She is a small man trapped in a small girl. People should just accept her-alot of warts and all.

(Mitch knows that i've blogged about her and thanked me for glorifying her.)